the longest-running show on
Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds
in mystery the lives and habits of America's most
popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and
popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the
true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below
is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more
accurately portray the true essence of
* Audience members would enter the auditorium only to
find their seats had been clawed and covered with
* The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum
* Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not
-- depending on
* Performers would leap off the stage and run up the
aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the
* When certain audience members opened their
playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on
* In the middle of a performance various cast members
would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of
* For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly
run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top
speed. They would then continue as if nothing had
* A special audience member would find a headless
bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
* Snack bar employees would constantly be
reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
* Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from
* Part of the performance would include the cast
climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
* The stage would be stained from someone coughing up
* Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays
and -- well, we
don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
* The show would need to be stopped several times to
allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
* Most of the final act would consist of the cast
just staring at the audience.
* The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn,
feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental
* Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door
after performances would get their legs rubbed, if
they were lucky.
* Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just
play with them.